I Shall Not Want

 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. 

I lack nothing. Not deficient. Utterly Contented. Those are the words in the book A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller. 

If I belong to the Great Shepherd I will not be looking for greener pastures. If I am not content with where I am, does that mean I belong to a different master? I've struggled with addiction for years and though I'm clean from the "bad substances," I still have other addictions that occupy most of my mind. The root of the problem is that I'm not content. I look for something to fill up the hole in my heart and it's not always Jesus. I look to nicotine, food, or buying things and then I find myself in trouble, begging Jesus to help me out of this mess I have created. Over. And. Over.

I lack nothing. 

I am reminded that everything I need is in the Word and I must keep that forefront so that when trial comes (daily) or temptation calls (daily), or my old nemesis anger (almost daily) I can respond in the way God has instructed me. I can pray about it instead of bingeing and praying for relief. I can rely on the verses I've memorized instead of lashing/acting out. 

Not deficient.

Reading the Bible and praying every day is not a habit. It's a lifestyle. It's just something I do now. My household knows not to bother me when it's "Jesus time." In the mornings I fill myself up with God's goodness, so that I am less likely to falter throughout the day. And when a morning comes and I haven't taken time for Jesus, it shows throughout the day. 

Utterly content.

There are things I can control, and there are many more things I cannot. My sons are adults. I work with a large team of people. Prices of necessities keep rising. So I must "give it to God." Whatever it is that is causing me sleepless nights, outbursts, discontentedness-I must give it to God. He is the Good Shepherd and He will provide. He always does. 

The Lord is My Shepherd

I'm reading the book,  A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller. In it, he compares his life as a shepherd (owner, caretaker of his own fold of sheep) to Psalm 23 and God's shepherding of us. 

The Lord is my shepherd. I belong to Him. He created me and I am His. I must continually seek his guidance and direction. Not only seek, but stop and listen. 

I can let Him have control. 

I must let Him have control.

Not only does He lead every bit of being and doing, He relieves me of the stress and pain of being in charge. 

I have tasks to be done by His direction. I often find myself NOT doing them, in favor of laboring (worrying) over the situations that are not my place. This isn't today's revelation. I've known this about myself for years. I'm so good at giving things over to God--and then taking them right back. 

Jesus tells us He is the Good Shepherd. (John 10:11) I trust that. A good shepherd isn't able to keep every enemy and trial away (we live in a fallen world with free will) but the Good Shepherd is there to protect us and bring comfort. I feel safe because my Good Shepherd is watching over me. Sometimes I don't know danger is lurking until it's right upon me. The Good Shepherd is there to guide me away from it or through it. 

Sorrows

 I’ve never been a happy girl and I don’t ever see that changing. I’ve often said, “God didn’t make me to be a happy person.” After reading the Bible, I know that’s untrue. I just haven’t figured out how to find the joy.

When my dad died, a friend said to me, “You have had such a hard life.” I didn’t know that. I thought this was just life. I know of people who’ve had it worse. I am weary of living life as though I’m waiting for the next trauma, though.

I know there is supposed to be joy in Jesus. And I have moments that I feel so loved by Him. I feel like I’m failing Him because I don’t feel the joy all the time.

Why am I here?

I’m here because my life needs to change. I’ve slowly made changes-just over 6 years ago I was able to (finally) give up alcohol and pills and 4 years ago I put my focus on Jesus and began daily Bible study and prayer. I’ve gone in spurts of taking better care of myself, but haven’t been able to keep the momentum going.

Over the past 3 months I’ve been trying to give up Facebook. I deactivate my account for a few days and then I log on again. Facebook makes me want to buy things. It makes me jealous of other people. The tragedies shared on Facebook hurt my feelings and bring my mood down. Sometimes Facebook is the only way to know what is going on in my little town. I have family members that I want to stay in contact with and it brings us together. So I’m taking a break. I’ve dwindled my friends list from nearly 800 people, to 163. These people are family members, very close friends, and co-workers. I’ve often used Facebook for a place to write, share my feelings, and process things. Looking back, I regret sharing so much. No one needs to know everything.

I’m going to go 40 days without Facebook. I don’t know what I’ll do after that. I chose 40 days because it’s a frequent number used in the Bible for times of trial and spiritual growth. I plan on using these 40 days for other changes, but I’ll talk about those later.

What I have found is that I still need to write. A blog seems safe. I’m not planning on sharing it, but also not going to hide it. I’m not going to write about everything in my life, but there are things I love tell others about (even if no one is actually reading this). So here we are.